I guess I’m also partly worried I’m stepping out of yours. And I’m not sure, if I am, whether I care. Eroticism is very much part of my kink, and explicit sexual content is deliberately included in the spanking material I’m producing for myself. Some scenes need to be asexual to work - anything institutional and non-abusive - but I think there’s a place in spanking porn for sexual scenes as well, and not just the leery uncle or giggly girl-on-girl kind. I want to see hard, violent, D/s sex between real lovers, and given my own sex life frequently combines that with hot CP, I don’t see why they should be separated by default in porn.

Anyway, I didn’t come on here to go on about sex in spanking porn. I wanted to repost this delicious F/f photo which Chross linked last week, from free spanking photos:

I’m still trying to work out how to combine my queerness with my kink in a way that works for me, and when I stumble across a lesbian D/s photo that presses all my buttons, I devour it. I love the cool poise of the top, her tiny half-smile. I love the emotion in the sub’s posture, her twisting back, the hand resting calmly on the back of her neck. I can definitely imagine myself over this lady’s knee. And not only is that a hot, hot thought, it renews my hope that one day, I will find a way of submitting to women that feels right.

On their admission, I suggested, the girls would be lined up facing the wall, hands on heads, and ordered to remain silent. One of their number would be selected by an officer and taken into the adjoining room; the door would be shut firmly behind.

The remaining girls would hear mutters of conversation; a shower running, perhaps; the sounds and yelps of a strapping; more words being exchanged. And then the door would open and the first inmate would retake her place in the line – only by now, naked, shivering and sore. And then the next girl would be selected…

We moved on to darker places: a line of girls, tied down, each having been soundly flogged. The senior officer would call his colleagues to attention, and invite them to select the girl of his choice. Each guard would take his reward for his exertions with the whip, the girls bound in such a position as to be unable to see who was behind them. And therefore, presumably, being unable to look any of the officers in the eye for the remainder of her sentence…

On their admission, I suggested, the girls would be lined up facing the wall, hands on heads, and ordered to remain silent. One of their number would be selected by an officer and taken into the adjoining room; the door would be shut firmly behind.

The remaining girls would hear mutters of conversation; a shower running, perhaps; the sounds and yelps of a strapping; more words being exchanged. And then the door would open and the first inmate would retake her place in the line – only by now, naked, shivering and sore. And then the next girl would be selected…

We moved on to darker places: a line of girls, tied down, each having been soundly flogged. The senior officer would call his colleagues to attention, and invite them to select the girl of his choice. Each guard would take his reward for his exertions with the whip, the girls bound in such a position as to be unable to see who was behind them. And therefore, presumably, being unable to look any of the officers in the eye for the remainder of her sentence…

I was looking at the calendar to work out the last time I’d been spanked, and counted five weeks that I was sure of. No time at all to some. When I was in a long-distance relationship, that was nothing. But these days I’m in the lucky position of having two partners close by, and it’s rarely a week goes by without some sort of kinky encounter with one of them.

My own exhaustion didn’t need any explanation: my sex drive was barely there, and kink just seemed far too much like effort. Give me cuddles, quiet conversation, reading companionably next to each other in bed. I stopped pushing myself to update this blog or read others, and kinky subject matter promptly dropped off my radar.

The first fantasies I noticed returning, late at night, alone under my duvet, were gently erotic. Hands spreading my bottom cheeks, smacks on my inner cheeks, on my thighs. An ache in my cunt as I thought about those hands smacking the most secret part of my bottom, tiny, stinging, humiliating spanks. Stiff fingers tapping at my shy, flinching arsehole. I imagined wriggling and blushing, desperately wanting more pressure there; the hot, blunt-smooth nudge of a cock…

No cruel uncles, brutal institutions, unfair punishments. The imaginative mainstays of my kink had retreated into some dark corner of my brain, and had to be lured out, tantalised with more consensual scenarios. I imagined being tied up by an obedient plaything who knew exactly what I wanted, her playful expression as she shackled my knees to the hooks on the headboard, spreading my legs and exposing my sex to her attentions. She’d tie my wrists above my head, put her fingers in my mouth and smile at the fire in my eyes. I’d call her names, whisper insults with more heat in my voice than venom. She’d know what I liked, she’d work hard to please me. Clamps on my nipples, small hands stroking my breasts, my belly and thighs, slipping beneath me and brushing against my arsehole. Perhaps she’d take the time to crop my inner thighs, kissing the welts with soft lips as she moved her mouth towards my moist and swelling cunt.

When I haven’t played for a while, the first fantasies to return are the ones about my pleasure. My body. My desire.

It is a mark of how blessed I am in my beloveds that both of them know this. The first times we played after that fallow period, both of them demonstrated a remarkable ability to give me exactly what I wanted. But I have to run now, so I’ll write more about that later.

Thus I give you Abel’s Spanking Stories at their new (temporary) home.

If you had the old site bookmarked or linked, please make the changes now. And if you know somebody who is linking to the old place, please pass on the word – it’s going, it’s disappearing, *poof* it’s gone.

But wait! That’s not it. As I was shifting the site anyway, I’ve added four new stories. (Well, they’ve been seen online before, just not on the site.)

Oh yeah, Abel loves feedback on his stories. This is a hint.

* It is being built! I’ve given up on my own design skills, and we actually have a very clever person doing it for us now.

We happily welcome all of you to our community! I hope your blogging experience will be beneficial and fun.

Yes, that is an antique gym horse, displayed outside an antique furnishings and shopfittings shop. Yes, those are iron D-rings attached to the feet. No, there isn’t really anything else that could be for.

No price on it. It wouldn’t fit in my flat. But there might be room for it at Tom’s place … would he mind me showing up with a random piece of spanking furniture? How would I even get it there without a car? If it turned out to be affordable, I should text him and ask …

I surreptitiously sneaked a photo, then ducked into the shop to ask how much it was.

“Sold a few days ago,” replied the creased, lean man behind the desk. “Still waiting for ‘em to collect it, mind.”

“How much did it go for?” I asked. Then felt the need to justify my interest. “I’m looking for one for a prop in a film…” (This excuse has the benefit of being at least partly true.)

“Hundred and fifty.” Ah. Slightly beyond my immediate budget. (Maybe I could save up, though… Hey, maybe I could justify it as a professional expense. It might even be tax-deductible.) He continued, “Funny how popular they are. We had another one in a few weeks ago, that was snapped right up. In fact we’ve got a bigger one downstairs, one of the ones that stacks up. You can go down if you want a look.”

“No thanks,” I said, determined not to be tempted by too-big, too-expensive toys. “I might keep an eye, though, see if you get any more through…”

Apparently North London is full of keen-eyed spankos. I mean, who else would buy something like that? Really?

I went on my way, regretting that I hadn’t come by a week ago, and that I hadn’t had the nerve to test its size in the street. It looked like it might have been just the right height.

Having never to the best of my memory cancelled a playdate in my life – although it’s been done to me a couple of times, each time leaving me surprised and not a little hurt – I could only see two reasons why anyone would do so…

- If the real-world intervenes. I guess there must be times when a planned scene session has to be postponed due to unavoidable things that crop up in vanilla life (unexpected family commitments, new work meetings that just have to be attended). Most kinky folks would, I think, understand that that must sometimes happen as we all span this strangely double-faceted life – and, goodness knows, the conflicting pressures sometimes make even fixing dates hard enough.

- If one player decides that he or she isn’t in the right mood or kinky mindset to play, and suggests cancelling or postponing – rather than proceeding towards an inevitably unhappy conclusion. When mutual consent, safety and happiness are everything, this would seem like the most sensible approach.

Provided people are open and honest, communicating their need or desire to change agreed plans as soon as practicable, I doubt any kinkster would object in either of those scenarios. But it’s not easy, either for the person proposing the change, or for the recipient of the request: when it’s been done to me (especially for the latter reason), there’s been an underlying sense of disappointment, a worry as to whether I’ve done anything wrong, underpinned by my very deep-seated fear of rejection.

The other dimension of Jessica’s post is perhaps even more interesting, though – about the lure of playing with the ’shiny and new’ folks who come onto the scene. Like most of our kinky friends, we love the fact that we get to meet lots of like-minded, wonderful people – and, when the right connection’s there, we love playing with them, too. The mutual exploration when two new play partners explore, testing and understanding each other’s interests and limits, is always fascinating and intense; that this then turns sometimes into wonderful friendships is a joy.

And whilst some friends are more active than others in their quest to expand their networks, the general desire to play with new people seems to be the same both for tops and bottoms, for the men and the women. I, for one, count myself incredibly luck to have met most of those who are closest to me in the world in the past three or so years, and to be continuing to make quite wonderful new friends.

For me, though, meeting new people is about expanding my circle of friends – not swapping the old for the new. I love that I’m still in contact with all but a very small number of the spanko partners who’ve let me play with them over the years – and that we continue to play even though their tastes and mine, and sometimes even the very nature of our mutual relationships, have evolved. I love the trust and familiarity, the shared kinky history of past encounters, that makes finding new scenes to play with them so exciting and rewarding. ‘Shiny and new’ is quite, quite wonderful too, but – for me – it’s not a case of either/or.

Poppy: I think that couples must talk, talk and talk. Honesty and trust are habits and take constant work. Also, I know I can say anything to my boyfriend. I know I can disagree with him and tell him why I think he is wrong and I would never, ever get in trouble for it (I have to speak politely, but then he is always polite to me).

So we talk and trust each other to listen. He also always keeps him word, in every aspect of our lives. I keep my word in all the big stuff (I can be a bit confused about bed times and stuff).

LDD-4-Me: I agree with Poppy. Communication is probably the most important ingredient. Honesty, of course, is very important too. Both partners need to be able to understand that they can say anything to one another and not have to worry about things being taken the wrong way.

lurvspanking: Trust comes from a combination of time and communication. If the answer ‘I trust you’ comes in response for a request to be spanked, then she/he clearly believes the partner understands the parameters.

What kind of spanking?
How hard?
How long?
Punishment or discipline?
Comfort or sex after?
If sex, rough or gentle?

None of these parameters happen the first time or even the one-thousandth time. Trust is a constantly shifting and updating emotion and both partners are equally responsible for maintaining the harmony.

I wrote a short story based on such a conversation about trust and I posted it on my blog.

T: Don’t be afraid to speak up. If you are opposed to something, politely explain why. You can not have trust without respect. Respect is primary. Respect will help to foster trust.

Hermione: When I present my bare bottom to my husband, I trust him to spank me without causing me extreme pain or doing any lasting physical damage. I also trust him to take me to my limits as he sees fit. Such trust has been established because he has never harmed me in any way that I haven’t wanted, or caused me any distress beyond that which I crave during an encounter.

For his part, Ron needs to believe that I don’t take spanking lightly or casually. I consider it to be a sexual activity, and I would no more allow another man to spank me than I would permit anyone else to engage in other intimate behaviour. I can only hope to establish and perpetuate this trust by sharing my blogging adventures with Ron and by being completely open and honest about my desires, thus showing him that he’s the only spanker in my life.

Sara: I agree with everybody above, I think trust takes communication and being real and honest with each other. Something you build together over time, investing yourself into the process and each other. It requires talking and listening, on both sides of the paddle.

Sara: When you don’t have a history of trust, it is incredibly difficult to relax into a spanking as you are always aware of your limits, and ensuring those limits are not breached. When trust is there, and you know you are safe, everything becomes easier. You can just enjoy the spanking more.

Whether baring my bottom and lying over someones knee or bending over for another implement, I tell someone that I trust them not to cause me lasting bodily harm, and to deal appropriately with me. I also tell them I trust them with my body and to not go beyond the limits I have set.

It’ll be good when I have a HOH for myself and I can just hand over trust! Not being in a DD relationship makes this all the more complicated!

By the way, I’m a different Sara. When I embarked on this journey I did not realise that there was already a Sara on the scene! Sorry to Sara number one!

In my blogroll alone, there are two Saras and four Sarahs. All of you have a story worth telling regardless of the name. I’m glad you’re here.

Handsdown: My thoughts match Poppy’s almost exactly. We’re rather new at this, and though I never like to think that I’m topping from the bottom, it comes to that in order to let him know how I like to be spanked. Slower, faster, harder, how about a little rub, darling, etc. Eventually, I hope most of this will be unnecessary, but it’s especially true now when he comes at me with a new toy. We are both learning each others’ desires and expectations.

Now that’s all true from the bottom’s perspective, but what about the spanker giving his/her trust to the spankee? He/she is trusting that this is what you really want and you’re not going to use it against him/her if the relationship ends. So, other than talk, talk, talk, a little patience and time are also required. I wanted to bring out that trust is a double-sided paddle with holes – handle with care.

Daisy: Trust is established over time. It takes time to get to know someone, and you give limited trust at first. This is like laying the foundation. When that does not collapse (as in, that person stands the test of time), you gradually build more upon those foundations. That is, you get to know each other more. As long as you are both honest, open, give each other respect, and there is plenty of communication, the trust will grow and grow.

Ally: Spanking did open us up to a whole new level of vulnerability. With time, experience, and effort, our trust has grown and continues to grow as it’s necessary for us to communicate openly and honestly. We have had to be purposeful in these areas as it’s not always easy.

Muffin: This comes from Cali-Cutie & Mr. K and Muffin & Mr. Darling, who are enjoying a spanking-good weekend in the English countryside. We’ve discussed this together, and agree that COMMUNICATION is the key, before, during, and after spankings. Mutual respect is essential, all of the time, not just with spankings. Go out of your way to spoil each other as often as possible.

Throck: My wife, C, spanks me because she loves me, and really for no other reason. I am aware of that and find it difficult not to trust someone that I have been in love with for well over thirty years. In fact, I would say that I trust her more after each spanking she gives me and I feel incredibly bound to her. I would say to build trust, spank!

Tiggs: Trust HAS to be there from the beginning, full, complete, total trust, from and for both partners. But with trust must come open and honest communication, again from both partners.

I don’t have the slightest idea how to build on it, because it MUST be there in that capacity from the beginning. If it isn’t, it foretells an ominous conclusion for both the spanking play and the relationship.

Trust is enduring, but it is also fragile. Once broken or bent, only the people involved can determine whether it can be rebuilt in full. But without it, there is absolutely no use in even trying to play around with spanking. It becomes an exercise in futility.

On the flip side, if the trust IS there completely from the beginning, then the intimate nature of spanking play only strengthens that and the communication as well!

LU: I believe there are many aspects to retaining and building trust in a relationship. I do believe that respect is essential. If you lose respect for your partner, you will eventually lose the trust. Communication is important, but can be meaningless without complete honesty. If you have open, honest, meaningful communication, trust can grow and strengthen. Forgiveness is also very important. We all mess up sometimes. We say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, or hurt our partners sometimes without even knowing it. We must be able to divulge and forgive. No holding grudges! In my experience, the grudge holding can start a chain reaction that can severely damage respect and trust between two people.

As for spanking, I do believe the trust must be there before you engage in this activity. I also believe it can strengthen the trust, love and respect you have for your partner and bring you closer together as a couple and as friends. Since RU and I share such an intimate activity, it makes it much easier for us to say things, good and bad, to each other. I believe as long as we continue to be honest, supportive, loving and forgiving, we should have no problem. I also recommend doing the little things to make your partner happy every day. Little things let them know that you really care and you know what makes them happy.

Prefectdt: I suppose that not being part of a couple, that this question does not fully apply to me, but even for multiple partner players, trust is vital. In fact, I think that the trust bond between spanker and spankee is the most vital element. I think that T summed it up very well in highlighting respect for limits, respect for confidences, and most of all, respect for each other.

Spank-A-Lot: I believe that communication is key in fostering trust and maintaining that level in a spanking relationship. Before a couple embarks on a spanking relationship, it is imperative that both parties communicate their expectations and feelings. Once in a relationship, this includes maintaining the communication, as well as respecting agreed upon limits and boundaries.

Anon: This is something with which I struggle. As someone who has had her trust abused by people before, I find it hard to give my trust to those who have earned it. I also have difficulties with knowing that there are people who trust me unconditionally as I have troubles from my past in relating to that as well.

All I can say with certainty regarding trust currently is that it is immeasurably fragile, and once broken, nearly impossible to rebuild.

Bonnie: I think trust derives from direct experience. We trust people who demonstrate themselves to be worthy. When someone comes through in a difficult situation, we become more inclined to invest our faith in them when a similar circumstance arises in the future. This trust-building is typically a gradual process that may take weeks or months of positive interactions.

I agree that trust must work both ways and it develops in the same fashion. At first, both people may be tentative and grant their trust with a limited scope and duration. Given ample time and communication (there’s that word again!), the couple will hopefully grow more confident in themselves and with each other. At this stage, they are able to make the sort of commitment that reflects their underlying trust.

Maintaining trust, for me, means demonstrating your worthiness every day. This doesn’t necessarily involve saving someone from a burning building. It could be as simple as taking shirts to the dry cleaners, buying flowers, or preparing a favorite meal. These small acts are reminders of the love that is shared and of the trust upon which it stands.

Thanks to everyone who participated!

So here’s today’s question…

Trust is essential for any successful relationship, but it takes on additional significance when spanking is involved. What can couples do to build and preserve the trust between them?

To answer our question, enter a comment below. Once everyone has had a turn, I will post an edited summary of our discussion.